Please note this reviewer has until recently never read DC Comics, and going forward will be called Reverse Fanboy…
Written by: Joshua Williamson
Art by: Neil Googe
Publisher: DC Comics
“My name is Barry Allen and I’m the fastest poorly-written character alive!”
I never thought I could find a worse comic than Nightworld. That dumpster-fire set the bar for awful, awful writing, but then DC Rebirthed The Flash and now I’m kind of just impressed. You mean to tell me it can get worse? Truly? The cynic in me is going, “Yes you idiot, of course it can,” and the optimist in me is crying in a corner and begging for more liquor to wash the pain away.
But the pain will never go away, not after reading four issues of The Flash.
The problem with this comic is…complicated. See, on the surface it should be a fun story. You got a dude who runs really fast, and all of a sudden so can a bunch of other people! Now he’s now no longer super (it’s not special if everyone can do it). Maybe some people use their new powers for evil; maybe some become superheroes too and start taking all the glory. Or maybe some are just confused and accidentally kill themselves because you know, running really fast into a wall will do that to you no matter how rad your sneakers are.
We don’t get any of that. Actually, that isn’t true. We get a ton that, yet it’s still bad. It’s so bad that it’s hard to forget the good ideas present because it’s so focused on being bad.
The Speed Force. It all comes down to the Speed Force, which is the dumbest thing I’ve ever come across in fiction, and I’ve read some really bad high-fantasy novels. The Speed Force is magic for a character that doesn’t use magic. The Speed Force is everything wrong with the ‘90’s. The Speed Force is, “what non sequitor should happen next?” The Speed Force is every Deus Ex Machina dialed up to 11.
The Speed Force is the epitome of bad writing.
Every time I think this comic has established all of its rules, the Speed Force comes along and makes up another one. I don’t know much about the Flash, but in four issues the Speed Force has let him:
- Run really fast
- Phase through walls for some reason
- Heal himself
- Telecommunicate with people
- Grant his wishes
- Let him shoot lasers from his hands
That’s six things in four issues. Six! It’s like every issue something new is made up on the spot. It’s like if a ten year old were going, “What should my Gary Stu fanfic insert character do next?” but without the self awareness.
And yes, I get it: This is probably nothing new for The Flash. I imagine he’s had all of these powers for years and years and I’m just being a noob, but holy crap can we at least admit that this is just the dumbest thing ever? At this point, the guy seems more powerful than Superman, and Superman can beat up Goku (according to some people that say wrong things).
I’d maybe be able to stomach it all if it were handled well, but it isn’t. Every new thing that The Flash can do feels like this big revelation, like “oh man the Speed Force is letting me do this now! Wicked!” And it all reads like complete nonsense. There’s no tension anywhere because magic will save the day, there’s no development because magic is all anyone will talk about, and there’s no fun because no one will shut up and let me have any fun.
And then some idiot has the gall to ask the Flash about “the science of the Speed Force” and I lose my mind for a second. Yes. “Science!” There’s more magic here than in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. At least that show has the decency to build its world around it and then not abuse it for the sake of the plot.
And even all of this might be okay if the characters were fun, but they aren’t. Barry Allen is more earnest than Green Arrow, more annoying than Harley Quinn, and more up his own ass than Batman. Every word from his mouth is obnoxious or obvious, and he never stops talking. Ever.
He has no flaws. None. He has every superpower his magical Speed Force will grant him, and he has no flaws. No one hates him because he’s perfect, everyone respects him because he’s got powers, everyone wants to be his new sidekick because he’s The Flash, and women hit on him because of course they do! I mean, look how tight his butt is. Plus he has electricity flowing around him. That’s pretty hot.
I’m what, supposed to like this character? Respect him? Find him compelling? No. No it doesn’t work that way. At least Batman has dead parents. At least Superman has a kid. At least Green Arrow has a really strange relationship with all of his friends. At least Aquaman has his secret love affair with Black Manta. At least…actually, all the other DC characters are alright.
Barry Allen? He just got struck by lightning. That’s it. He’s a Gary Stu from start to finish, and we should all collectively resent him for it.
